Last night I had a bit of a pity party for myself to the point of tears streaming down my face and repeating that phrase over and over again... 

I'm not strong enough.

I'm not strong enough.

I'm not strong enough.

I'm not strong enough!

I'm not strong enough to continue to live in this place where I'm constantly burdened by the precious lives of sick and dying children. Often dying from preventable causes—like simply not eating enough food!

I'm not strong enough to continue to be bombarded by needs all around me. Mothers begging me to take their children into my care. Families begging me to help provide for their basic daily needs. 

I'm not strong enough to continue to reside in a country where the majority of individuals live on $1-2 a day and often struggle to make it through another week, and yet my needs have always been met every single day of my life. Even here, the divide between how I live and how these desperate families live is indescribably vast.

Can't I just go back in time? Back to before I heard God call me out to distant lands? Back to the time when I could sit comfortably at "home" with friends and family, talking about the weather, because seriously the biggest tragedy of the week was going to be whether the big game was going to get rained out?

Can't I just go back to those beautiful hills of Tennessee? Sleep in that big, soft bed? Take the dog for a walk? Catch up with friends at that cozy coffee shop? Go shopping for antique treasures? And plan weekend getaways with my girlfriends?

Because face it... I'm just not strong enough to be here. To live here. To minister here. 

Beth Moore is a psychic. Ok, well not really. She's just one very wise woman. This morning I finally pulled out on of her Bible studies I've been meaning to start all year and she begins by talking about how God's timing is perfect and how this study will meet you where you are with exactly what you need to hear from the Lord. The study is called Living Beyond Yourself and it focuses on the fruit of the Spirit found in Galatians 5:22-23. I guess I suspected today's introductory lesson to dive right into what it means to live a life of goodness, patience, and self-control, because I found myself a bit surprised when God spoke the exact words that I needed to hear. Well, technically Beth said the words, but they resonated to my very core...

"In Christ, we can do what we can't." It was as if God was wrapping me up in His arms and responding to my cries last night by saying, "Yes, my child. You're right. You're not strong enough. But I am!"

I was reminded of a time at Bible study earlier this year when we were reading through the book of Colossions. Colossions 1:9 says, "To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me." Struggling with all his energy. His energy! Last night I was struggling with my own energy. My own overwhelming thoughts. My own overburdened heart. My own fatigued being. But oh the power that resides in his energy. In the empowering that He has given me with His Holy Spirit from the day I said, "Yes, I believe. Make me new." Over 15 years later I echoed Isaiah's cry, "Here I am. Send me!" And now, 9 years after that commitment to serving Him and others, I feel tired but renewed as I'm once again reminded that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. (Phil 1:6) Even though sometimes I feel alone, not having a mission team serving with me or a mission board taking care of me like I've had at other times, I hold onto the truth that God has called me and through His strength, I can continue all He has set before me. And I'm further encouraged that I'm not the only one in present-day or in history who has felt weak and incapable of dealing with the storms of life—whether my own or watching the storms of others all around me. Paul's words from 2 Corinthians 1:8-11 bring comfort to me, especially as I'm reminded how many of you are praying for me and the ministry here.

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. (emphasis added)

As Paul stated and as I believe, there is still hope and your prayers are making a difference!

Beth shares, " What God has for us is beyond us." His plans for us are more than we can imagine and more than we can accomplish on our own. I've said it before, but if this day or in this lifetime I only accomplish the things that Hannah can do. Well, I'm missing out. And the world is missing out. Because as I was reminded this morning in John 14:16-17, the Spirit of the Living God lives in me! He lives in me! So my life is no longer about what I can do, what I can give. It's about what God can do through me. I don't have to worry about whether I'm strong enough, because (sorry, Ego), I'm not nor will I ever be. The tasks are too great. The stakes too high. And what I can offer on my own is too small compared to God's great purpose for my life. 

"Dry your tears," He says. "You don't have to be strong enough. Just trust that I am."